Episode 3

Crabbie: Okay, topic #1 for this pivotal third edition of the Smackdown. Angelina Jolie. It's been an eventful couple of weeks. She has apparently come down with gestational diabetes plus she and Brad are sleeping in a 9 foot bed once owned by a professional wrestler.
[long pause]
I've left you speechless on this one.

DD: Naaaa, I was checking out Ashlee Simpson's new shoes.

Gestational diabetes is common, I had it. It goes away once the kid's born, besides her sister-licking brother blabbed it.

Crabbie: Her gestational diabetes is worse though because she's Angelina.

DD: This is true, we must protect the queen.

Crabbie: Angie has more ailments than a whole nursing home put together.

DD: You would too if you were a bisexual former heroin addict who gave it all up to have 37 children with a former hottie who now looks like Robert Urich.

Crabbie: Wow. What did Robert Urich ever do to you? Didn't he die by the way?

DD: Who cares? Besides, Angie's out of blood, Billy Boob got it in the divorce. She got Maddox.

Crabbie: It would've been cruel to give Maddox to Billy Bob. Maddox would be a skinny chain-smoking wacko with an irrational fear of oranges and antique chairs by now.

DD: Which is much worse than being the king of mini-mogul Mohawks and toddler practical jokes.

Crabbie: He's also a little humanitarian who began putting together CARE packages for soldiers on his own initiative.

DD: Yeah right. Well, he is an amusing little thing..he cracks me up

Crabbie: Yeah he's a pip. He's a little Asian Hayden Panettiere.

DD: Don't even. You should refrain from mentioning her when we talk.



Crabbie: I think it's time to address your apparently pathological hatred for Hayden Panettiere. It's disturbing frankly.

DD: I'm disturbed by someone who thinks whales should not be Japanese food, but, makes patent leather purses. Be consistent god damn it.

I want the Japanese to eat her...Panti-sushi.

Crabbie: They already have, trust me.

DD: No, she's a virgin who's ever tasted booze. Never.

Crabbie: She's tasted Milo Ventimiglia's shaft but never sampled spirits.

DD: Yeah, older man peen doesn't count. Milo is kind of cute, but, he's not nice to her. He denied he had a girlfriend while he was banging her underage ass three ways from Sunday.

Crabbie: That's called covering yourself legally. Not a bad move.

DD: Oh please, it's not like she's Miley Cyrus.

Crabbie: Yeah that would be disgusting, Milo and Miley. Oh my head would explode.

DD: So would Billy Ray's.

Crabbie: Billy Ray would get out the shotgun.

DD: He'd take away her cell phone if she got knocked up. That's parenting damn it.

Crabbie: Unless he's the one knocking her up.

DD: Oh, nooooo, that was way beyond mean. You're evil.

Crabbie: Oh sorry, I stepped over the line by suggesting Billy Ray Cyrus has an incestuous fixation on Miley. Has the Papa Joe example taught us nothing?

DD: Joe is..like, some horror movie dad. And Michael Lohan is right next to him on the perv scale.

Crabbie: Speaking of Lohans...what do we think of Lindsay's new role as Nancy Pitman?

DD: Gawd, if Nancy Pitman was just like Lohan she can play her..she can only play herself.

Crabbie: I'd still rather see Lindsay as Charlie Manson himself. I think she could pull it off.

DD: Samantha Ronson could.

Crabbie: Charlie's way cuter. Plus Ronson is too busy munching Mischa Barton now. Oh...that sounds like the title of a quirky Indie flick.

DD: Ronson's still munching Blow..oh, they were at Hyde last night not drinking or snorting, yeah. Hyde is so over.

Crabbie: I wouldn't know. I'm not plugged into the L.A. club scene like you are.

DD: Yeah, I'm such a Renaissance chick.

So who's the blind item [featured on Crabbie's Hollywood]????

Crabbie: I have no idea. It was some dude in News of the World who started it. I'm beginning to suspect April Fool's Day prankage on that one.



Crabbie: Okay, next topic. You've got Heather Mills getting mad at Paul McCartney because he has a new woman.

DD: That cunt's mad when the breeze blows in Paul's direction. Man, she's a freak. She's gonna take him back to court for the oxygen he breathes.

Crabbie:
It would've been cheaper for Paul to just have the bitch bumped off.

DD: I wonder why he hasn't?

Crabbie: Hitmen aren't as easy to come by as they used to be, plus he's afraid she'd only come back to life even more powerful than before.

DD: She's unstoppable..like Satan, only Satan is just some lame story, Mills is real.

The Aleister Crowley cult will soon leave his memory and build horned alters to Heather Mills.

They'll sacrifice people because Heather won't let them kill chickens.

Crabbie: Their one-legged statue will keep falling over though.

DD: I never thought of that.

Crabbie: I guess they could always give it a peg leg.

DD: Or a pig leg..so she'd learn to cry. Pigs are mistreated!

Crabbie: I'm sorry I was too busy chomping bacon.

It makes sense that Heather would feel bad for pigs. She was born of one.

DD: Insulting to hogs everywhere...even bacon is more fun to talk to than Heather.

Crabbie: Bacon also doesn't set off fireworks that kill the neighbor's dog.

DD: Yeah, she got reamed for that. Oh man, that judge said she didn't contribute to charity and called her dishonest. Fuck! I knew it!

Crabbie: He'll be killed too. Heather will get revenge on all of us in the end. Like Carrie.

DD: Yep, only people blood on the prom dress.



Crabbie: Speaking of blood...Paris Hilton got injured in a pap stampede. Hopefully she'll be so traumatized she never goes out in public again.

DD: She hurted her chin...can't give head. Benji's never had head before..he's heartbroken.

Crabbie: He's had head from Joel.

DD: Twins share a lot huh?

Crabbie: I'm fascinated by how crazed the European paps get. They don't seem to know that Paris is over.

DD: Oh, speaking of twins..i heard the Olsens are fighting over their fortune.

Crabbie: I hope Mary-Kate kills Ashley then calls herself instead of 911.

DD: They don't do 911, they do personal servants.

Crabbie: I still don't get why they're famous. They're not even attractive. They're like little albino freaks that stumbled out of a cave and now can't find their way back to their underground kingdom.

DD: They have a billion dollar fashion business, they're actually quite bright, if a bit odd. They didn't blow their money like Brit. And they only blow rich guys..princes and Greek shipping heirs.

Crabbie: They could do all that stuff without having to be in the papers.




Crabbie: Perez has a picture of that one Osbourne kid you never see.

DD: I saw it on there or somewhere else. Must be the smart one.

Crabbie: Or the agoraphobic one.

DD: If she never left the house, we'd have seen her. Since they had cameras up every orifice.

Crabbie: Don't talk about Osbourne orifices, I just ate.

DD: Sorry...I'll have Sharon send you an autographed photo of her groupie twat.

Crabbie: It's probably unrecognizable by now after all the plastic surgery.

DD: It might look like..................a twat!

Crabbie: Sharon looks like a twat for sure, and sounds like one.

DD: I like her. She's mean and meaner.

Crabbie: She's crazed.

DD: Ozzy is brain damaged.

Crabbie: She makes Ozzy look stable.

DD: Oh come on, no one could do that. He cooks eggs in a woman's bathrobe and shower cap.

Oh, wait..so do you.

Crabbie: At least I put slippers on.

DD: Bunny slippers.

Crabbie: Pink.

DD: I know. That's Brit's favorite color too. See how much you have in common?

Crabbie: We're like sisters.

DD: Yeah, bonded by Chips Ahoy and hair weaves. Just kidding..you have great hair.

Crabbie: Gee thanks.