Episode 2

Crabbie: Okay here we are again talking some celebrity smack. First topic: Heather Mills. She got $50 million in her divorce settlement but wanted something like $250 million when it started. So, basically, she got owned.

DD: She deserved nothing past what her child should get.

Crabbie: She deserved nothing period except a good smack across the mouth with her own wooden leg. She is the most vile person on the face of the earth.

DD: The world knew she was a whore, now they know what Paul pays for whores.

Crabbie: That's a pretty expensive whore. I doubt she was worth it. Even Eliot Spitzer wouldn't pay that much.

DD: Mills will be humping him next.

Crabbie: Is he into stumps?

DD: Stump-humping is all the rage.

Crabbie: "Rage" being the operative word with Heather. She is seething with it. She tries to seem reasonable but you can tell she's always on the verge of exploding.

DD: Oh, you got that right. She's wicked scary. But, now she has no gag clause, so she can ream Paul day and night and sideways. And she will.

Crabbie: Now she can use all Paul's money to buy a nice bedpan. That was my favorite story in the whole thing, that he wouldn't let her have a bedpan and she had to crawl to the toilet.

DD: I loved that one too. She can't get her one-legged ass to the toilet at night but she can dance with the stars..go figure. And he kicked her, didn't he? While she was pregnant.

Crabbie: And threw her into a coffee table also I believe. I'd like to believe it all really happened. I laugh at the idea of her in excruciating pain.

DD: Too bad Linda never complained. I mean Heather wouldn't....lie!???

Crabbie: Linda had her own issues. I don't think those sprouts she was eating were enough. She looked like Karen Carpenter's sicklier sister.

DD: Okay then..not touching that. I wait patiently for the day PETA catches Mills chowing on a cheeseburger.

Crabbie: I wait patiently for the day Mills becomes a cheeseburger.

DD: Even better.

Crabbie: "Heather Mills Falls Into Meat Grinder." That's the headline I long to see. Poetic justice. I'd eat that meat too. Eat it right up.

DD: Heather Mills would live through it and start a ground bitch dancing studio.

Crabbie: Hopefully this money will encourage her to just go away but you know it won't.

DD: No, she thinks we like her in America..we're going to end up with Stumpy McWhore just like we got the Beckhams.

Crabbie: It won't take long for people to catch on. We know a phony when we see one.

DD: Uhhh while I'm here, explain to me what the fuck "poetic justice" means? Why's it poetic?

Crabbie: Cause it's ironic. It's symmetrical. It's oddly appropriate.

DD: None of those things mean "poetic." You don't know. I finally found something you dont know.

Crabbie: It's just called that. It's an expression. What the hell?

DD: Okay then..moving along...



Crabbie: Okay, topic #2...Halle Berry's kid. More interesting than Jennifer Lopez's kids or less.

DD: Less. Halle only had one..that is unacceptable by Hollywood standards. Everyone's popping double...Halle needs to understand what's in.

Crabbie: I couldn't care less if she popped quadruple, she's uninteresting. Not to be controversial, but the only reason she wins awards is because she's black. She's a lousy actress who would get no parts if she were white.

DD: She's black?? I don't think so.

Crabbie: I know she's black. Cause she won Best Actress for Monster's Ball even though she's terrible. Her blackness is the only explanation.

Of course that doesn't explain all the awards Meryl Streep has won...

DD: Oh jeez, you know they can act. You're a pill today.

Crabbie: Berry can't. She's a soap opera actress at best. Streep has good technique but no soul.

DD: Streep is a fucking icon..wtf?

Crabbie: I don't care if she's an icon. She stinks. Katharine Hepburn trashed her and so did Pauline Kael.

DD: Hepburn was.....irritating.

Crabbie: She knew what she was talking about.

DD: That voice..omg.

Crabbie: Streep makes such bad choices. Like in Lions for Lambs when she's in the middle of a big confrontation scene and starts fiddling with the thermostat. That's the shit that drives me nuts. It's like, "Look at what a brilliantly creative actor I am. I'm fiddling with the thermostat in the middle of the scene." And everyone goes nuts for that. It adds nothing to the scene.

DD: It adds.....the human touch.

Crabbie: No...it adds the phony, "look at me I'm acting" touch.

DD: Like right now..I'm fiddling with the thermostat.

Crabbie: You're turning it down so your place becomes a refrigerator.

DD: How did you know that?


DD: Never mind, here's a subject i really am passionate or pissed off about.
Did you read that Brad and Angie just bought a mansion in France????

Crabbie: Yes.

DD: How many god damn ranches, mansions, townhouses, condos, estates, islands and penthouses do those fuckers need or deserve?????????

Crabbie: They need someplace to flee when the shit hits the fan over here.

DD: It pisses me off that the world thinks actors deserve to be paid so much. They don't even rent when they're vacation..they just buy the whole god damn country and adopt the population. Then they hire 39 more nannies and dry hump.

Crabbie: I have a hard time ripping anyone else for being rich when I'd do the same shit if I were rich.

DD: If you tried to appear as if you were the largest humanitarian effort in the world? It kills me.

Crabbie: Everybody needs to relax sometimes. Especially if you're the largest humanitarian effort in the world.

DD: Go on holiday...don't buy a Third World country and then move a week later.

Crabbie: What if the Third World country is on sale?

DD: Then she'll buy three. And if Brad didn't like it he could go get his nuts out of her Hermes and take a hike.

Crabbie: You're clearly angry today.

DD: A little. I want a house. I want a damn nice house too and that fucking Angelina has 80 of them. She should give me one, she'd never miss it, and I could clean up the afterbirth and sell that on eBay.

Crabbie: Stop kissing up to the Angelina haters.

DD: You can stop calling me "kiss-ass" too..,you know better. It's a sad day when that's all you've got.

Crabbie: Sorry, but I have a hard time getting worked up over Brad and Angie buying a house. Oh my God...did they put on a new deck? Those fucking bastards!

DD: That's because you live in an actual building, with some character. I live in ghetto hell with fucktard greasy wads of 5th grade educated shit. Jethro Bodine on meth.

Crabbie: Is this Gossip Smackdown or Dirty Disher Whinefest?

DD: Point taken...pill taken.


DD: P. Diddy or whatever that fool is calling himself now is in trouble. Did you see that?

Crabbie: No. What did the stupid bastard do? Shoot someone else in the eye?

DD: LA times says he's suspected in the shooting of Tupac.

Crabbie: I thought Biggie shot Tupac.

DD: "Now, newly discovered information, including interviews with people who were at the studio that night, lends credence to Shakur's insistence that associates of rap impresario Sean "Diddy" Combs were behind the assault." LA Times.

Crabbie: I think this calls for a revenge shooting.

DD: So Biggie shot Tupac but then Biggie got killed and Shakur says it was Diddy, right? I have a headache, I marked it to read later.

Crabbie: We sound like lame white people when we talk about Biggie.

DD: I am lame white people.

Shakur's people say it was Diddy..that guys so shady.

Crabbie: He's the real Slim Shady. No wait, that's Eminem.

DD: No one better hurt my boy Em.

Crabbie: Kim's gonna pay someone to bump him off one day.

DD: That's big though if they can tie Sean Combs to murder. Other than the dog jackets he sells.

Crabbie: I think he should get back together with Lopez. They were the Lucy and Desi of their day.

DD: He nearly got her big ass killed too.

Crabbie: Yes when he shot that bitch in the eye. I thought it was hilarious how fast Lopez dumped him.

DD: She ducked and dumped. Didn't narc on him though.

Crabbie: She didn't want to get popped too. Nobody crosses Diddy.

DD: Then she left him and started up with the whitest guy on planet Earth.

Crabbie: Karl Rove?

DD: I mean Ben Affleck, but, maybe.

Crabbie: Affleck is down with the bruthas.

DD: Yeah right...the bruthas that own stock in the plaid shirt factory.

When do you think we'll get photos of the J-Lo twinsies??

Crabbie: As soon as the check clears.

DD: 'Bout right. Having a kid is big business in Hollywood. The rest of us shlubs make payments to Sears and Roebuck to reproduce our rugrats' hairlip for posterity.

Crabbie: Some of us do.

DD: Yeah, so sad.

Crabbie: Wow, what a depressing note. Okay, I think that'll about wrap it up for today. Don't forget to take your medication.

DD: I did.

Crabbie: I meant the readers.

DD: Oh.